Moaning Masters go to Manchester April 2004


The Masters went to Manchester for their first ever team swimming gala.

In my case, this was my first ever gala as my swimming lessons at primary school prepared me for 25 yards of splashing and nothing else.  In fact until last June when I was bullied into 'getting wet at Holywell', I did every other sport under the sun as long as drowning was not a possibility.

These galas seem to be divided into ritual personal humiliation and group ridicule (otherwise known as individual events and relays).  For my personal humiliation, the coach followed my progress along the pool side, regrettably at walking pace as she didn't have to break into a trot to keep level.  To add insult to injury, there always seems to be a 'significantly more senior person' in the next lane that cruises along with consummate ease - maybe I'm on the wrong drugs ?

For relays, they add up the ages of all 4 swimmers, so you can be put into age groups.  This is OK as long as you have similar ages. Without any youngsters, we would have been in the over 200 years category.  However, by getting a 'young boy' on the team as a ringer, we dropped into a lower age group and ended up being thrashed by mere 160 year olds.  Each of us had to do 50 meters of our best stroke, the best one being the one where we could reach the other end without needing a rest break. The surprising thing about this (oh so fancy) pool is that it is twice the length of ours and yet there are no steps half way along for you to get out and go for a cup of tea.

The venue was pretty fancy with marching music as the officials walked out, the full Olympic thing, which did nothing to reassure the nervous ones that they were doing this because it was fun.  If you thought this was scary, it was nothing compared with standing on top of the highest starting block in the world which would have seen better use as a bungie jumping platform.  Then you have to look up the course and try to focus on the other end - a long way even with contact lenses.  It's so far away it may as well be a motorway to Scotland and you certainly can't recognise team mates to check you're in the same lane.  In slow motion, reminiscent of a film, the mechanical voice says "take you marks….beep" and changing your mind is no longer an option.

Unlike the kids galas where it's noisy and frenetic, there was never an occasion where the official had to ask for quiet.  The reason is that making noise takes energy and masters don't have much of that!  More importantly, if there was too much noise, the top competitors would lose their place in their knitting patterns.

Three of our 8 person team fell asleep during the competition which I suppose is understandable as they need an afternoon nap after such a long day.  It was suggested that some of our competitors were having hot-flushes but they assured the paramedics it was actually an athletic 'power surge' and once the medicine trolley had been around and they'd had a nap, everyone would be fine.  We waited an eternity for the tea trolley to turn up but it never did and unlike kids gala, there was no tub of Haribos being passed around; I'm assured this will be fixed before the next competition.

For anyone interested in joining this gallant bunch, a video of the main races of the day was produced but it must have been filmed in slow motion as everything lacks the urgency you would expect from top class competitors.  Now we all know how appearing on TV makes you look 'a few pounds' heavier.  Well, after watching the video, it's a certainty that none of us would make it as a model for the swim-shop catalogue except perhaps the pages on first aid and surgical supports !  There were people sitting around the pool at this top venue as if they were on a fully inclusive holiday.  Not exactly like an 18-30 holiday and there is definitely an age when body-suits don't do you any favours.

How's the training going for the next event you may ask.  Apart from a broken toe from our chairman when backstroke meets butterfly in the same lane, we are all putting in the extra effort required.  Race times are getting better but the tumble turns and dives would be better suited to a circus act.

The next show is the Arfon Masters at Bangor - it's bound to be an action packed and exciting day - I can hardly wait !


Derek Mason